“You’re a breath of fresh air…I need you without you I can’t live…Your in cahoots with my heart…”
Just the feelin of his lips against my skin…The movement of his hands on my body were enough to make my head explode…I needed him…I wanted him more than anythin in the world at that moment. His kisses were like a drug and I didn’t want to be sober. As he hovered over me lookin me in my eyes…The world seemed to disappear around us…All the hurt…Gone…All the emptiness…Gone. I was now bein filled with PURE LOVE. No conditions…No terms…No games…Just LOVE. As his sweat dripped down on to me and he hit all the places he knew inside of me like a symphony….My body sung back to him in perfect harmony. Only matched by our moans and screams. He took his time…no roughness…Just deep slow strokes that made me dig my nails into his back and call out to GOD! The deeper he went the more a called out…Every stroke emphasizin his love for me. How he moved his hips…up and down and around I thought I could pass out from the ecstasy and pain that felt so good. He was makin love to me. I NEEDED this…He NEEDED this…We NEEDED this…As his breathin became ragged and kisses became deeper…I saw him pull back and with tears in his eyes…
“Don’t leave…Me…please.”He said quietly as MONSTA began to flex. “I need…y-you…Say you’ll al –waysss be mine.”
I couldn’t help but feel the tears form…As he went deeper makin me yell out.
“Your num-ber one….You her-re me!” He said as he leaned his head on mine as he tried to keep control. “Say…it…Sa-y you’ll alw-ayss be mine…”
I searched his eyes as his tears fell onto my cheeks…And my heart spoke.
“Al-ways…” Was all I could say breathlessly and grabbin on to him tighter as my tears began to fall.
He kissed me deep as I tried to yell out…I felt the strongest sensation shoot from my toes up my legs to my spine. He moved up in me one last time and we both EXPLODED…Together.
When I woke up the next mornin with his arms wrapped around me tight…I knew somethin was definitely different about last night. I felt different inside. My heart didn’t feel heavy…I didn’t feel like I wanted to cry. I felt like somethin had been put back together and I was whole from the inside out. It was an almost erry inner calm that I was somehow ok with. I looked at him snorin so softly…I admired the tatts across the top of his chest…I traced my finger across one of the roses of the two he had just add to his piece. I couldn’t help but smile because last night he had told me that they were Me and Cheyanne… Just like our matchin 3 stars. He said the reason he got the roses was because everyone believed his 3 star tatt was for Rob…Which wasn’t true…So he got me and Cheyanne our own that nobody could say they were for anybody else. It made me cry. Just knowin that he wanted to represent his “FAMILY” as he said…Made me feel treasured. As far as I knew none of his other tatts were for anybody he had been with but me…I was really NUMBER ONE.
Three weeks later I had to fly out to NY to meet with Rob. I will admit I was not lookin forward to talkin to the woman involved with almost single handedly DESTROYIN the man I loved. But I had meditated on it. I had to put the anger and frustration I had felt all these years for her behind me…I needed MY OWN CLOSURE. I had questions…I needed them answered. Then and only then…Would I be able to let go. I had heard that she was now “INVOLVED” with Drake and wanted to have him featured on our song “What’s My Name?” Now Ester felt good about it. But I had my own opinions about that. Chris decided to stay in LA cause he had rehearsals for an up comin show in Jamaica with Usher. So Kevin said he would fly out with me to help keep me calm.
When we arrived at the rooftop party Polow was throwin…I was ready for anythin. It helped that Kev was there only cause I didn’t want to walk in alone. Even though I had a sneaky suspicion that Chris is the one who encouraged him to insist on goin with me in the first place. What Chris FAILED to realize was Kevin couldn’t stop me if I needed to CHECK THAT BITCH…POINT BLANK PERIOD! But I was gonna hear her out and get my questions answered.
“HEEEY SWEETS!” Polow said givin me a hug and handin me a champagne glass.
“Hey Polow.” I said takin the glass as he looked over at Kevin.
“I’m glad you made it…Didn’t know you was…uh bringin a friend.” He emphasized and raised his eyebrow at Kevin.
“Polow this Kevin…Kevin Mccall…Chris’s artist.” I reminded him.
He looked at him for a few seconds an then it dawned on him.
“OH SHIT…Yea…Yea…You that Dueces…Tyson look a like muthafucka!” He said in his normally blunt way as he dapped him “You got some dope shit man!”
“Uh thanks man…I’m a big fan of your stuff.” Kev said laughin lightly.
“Well you keep doin your thing…I heard some of you and Chris’s mixtape shit…Crazy!” Polow said.
“Preciate it…Comin from you that’s wild.” Kev said shocked.
“Aw man I give props where props is due…We gonna have to exchange contacts cause I might have some shit for you.” Polow said as Ester walked over.
“Word! Yea…Yea…We can do that.” Kev said now excited.
“HEEEEYY NIGGAS WHAT YA’LL DOIN!” Ester screamed in her country accent!
“Hey E!” I said huggin her.
“You ready to party girl? I see you dressed to kill and Ooo you got you a new man girl?” She said eyein Kevin and gettin distracted.
OH MY GOD!
“No…This is Kevin remember?” I said refreshin her memory.
“OOOOOH yea….Yea you that chocolate sexy thang from Chris’s video.” She said eyein him still.
“Damn…Guilty I guess.” Kev said laughin nervously.
“Oh you guilty alright… Sexy thang you…You gone take yo shirt off tonight cause-“
“Ester!” I said interruptin the verbal sex she was havin with him!
“What…Oh…My fault…I just be sayin shit…So ya’ll seen Rih yet?” Ester said lookin at Polow.
“Nah she said she on her way.” Polow said laughin and shakin his head at her.
“Ok cool…Cool…Welp I’m gonna go get me a drink…Polow you gonna take me to yo stash of Ace I know you got some in here!” She said
“You always tryin to drink my expensive shit…I’m takin it out yo check!” Polow joked.
“Shit I got you pimp…We bout to get paid!” She said laughin. “Oh and nice meetin you Kevin….If she don’t hit that give me a call!” She winked.
WHAT?… CRAZY ASS!
“Oh my God…” I said coverin my face.
“Wow.” Was all he said as he busted out laughin.
“Excuse her lets go.” I said grabbin his hand.
After 45 minutes of hangin out and a couple more drinks…Me and Kev were havin a blast dancin and singin to the music. I had almost forgot why I was there when I saw HER come in. I watched her mingle a while and then I saw her speak to Polow and they both looked in my direction. I saw her say somethin else and then come towards my direction. I swear as she got closer I said a silent prayer to pleeease not let MOMMI come out in me and let me handle this in mature manner.
“Hey Sweets…How you been girl?” She said like we were old friends that talked all the time.
“Been good…Been real good…and you?” I asked cordially.
“Oh you know…The usual…So I wanted to talk to you for a minute…That cool?” She said gettin to the point.
“Sure…um.” I said lookin over at Kevin who was now talkin to some girl.
SOME HELP YOU ARE!
“Ok let’s go.” She said reachin her hand out to me.
WHAT THE HELL???
I didn’t mean to…But I looked at her hand like it had SHIT ON IT! I mean HELLO WE ARE NOT FRIENDS! FUCK I LOOK LIKE?? I watched her look at my face and then put her hand back down shyly. And it took everythin in me not to laugh!
BITCH YOU THOUGHT!
“Okaaay…Guess that would be too soon.” She laughed lightly.
“Uh yea.” I said bluntly.
“My fault.” She said cooly. “Ok then follow me.”
I followed her to the inside of Polow’s loft. We ended up in an empty room and she closed the door. I don’t know why but I felt like I needed that door OPEN! Just in case I needed WITNESSES!
“So.” She said sittin on the bed as I sat on the chair away from her.
“So.” I said starin at her.
“Um…Look I know this is awkward…But I really felt like I wanted to get everythin out on the table and really close the door to the issues we have had from the past.” She said nervously.
“So I don’t know where to start but if that’s cool…I’m ready for it.” She finshed and waited.
Now I knew what I wanted to ask her…I just wasn’t sure I was actually ready for the answers. Cause if the bitch lied about any of it…I was pullin out of the project…PERIOD!
“Ok…Well there is a lot I would like to know…and from there we can see where this goes.” I said directly.
“Ok….Shoot.” She said sittin back on the bed.
“Did you ever feel bad knowin that me and Chris were together and you were sleepin with him behind my back?” I fired with no hesitation.
I guess the mention of his name and that situation threw her off guard and I saw her whole demeanor change. I saw her eyes soften but her face remained neutral.
“Honestly…At the time I didn’t give a fuck.” She said with slight emotion in her voice. “But lookin back on it now…I was dead wrong…and for that I am sorry…No bullshit.”
“So why didn’t you leave it alone or Not fuck with him.”I fired.
She began to shift uncomfortably…Pushin her now red hair off her shoulder and rubbin her neck.
“Because I…I had already fell for…him.” She said chosin her words. “He and I were drawn to each other…We were in love.”
Just hearin those words ignited somethin inside me…Not sure if it was my anger or my sheer belief that NOBODY AND I MEAN NOBODY COULD LOVE THAT MAN AS MUCH AS ME EXCEPT HIS MAMA… I felt like I was bein intruded upon…AGAIN! AND THAT’S A PROBLEM!
But I aint done yet…
“Did he come see you while I was in the hospital after I lost our baby?” I continued.
“Yes.” She said bluntly but quietly.
“So you knew I was pregnant…had lost the baby and you still wanted him to come see you?” I said with venom in my voice.
She took in a deep breath and let it out…She…adjusted herself uncomfortably on the bed and began again.
“Yes I knew you were pregnant…He told me when you guys found out for sure. I will admit I was soooo jealous that you were goin to be the mother of his first child…But then he called me and he told me you had lost it and he was cryin…I wanted to comfort him so I asked him to come to me.” She said swallowin back tears but keepin a stone face.
I fuckin hate you…
“And you didn’t think that was fucked up?” I said coldly tryin to control the flames that were burnin now.
“Sweets like I told you…I didn’t care about a lot of shit outside of my love for him at that time…I was stupid but you know what I have learned that karma is a bitch…And I will have to deal with my decisions…And thats why I wanted us to have this talk…I am truly truly sorry for any hurt I caused you.” She said softenin some.
Uh…Uh not good enough…
“One more thing.” I said as she finally looked back at me.
“Ok.” She said.
“Why didn’t you tell the whole story?” I said waitin.
“Whole story about what?” She said adjustin her dress nervously.
“Why didn’t you tell the world that you hit him…A LOT!” I fired. “Why you let him look like he was some monster when you had problems too? Huh?” I said feelin the flames grow larger.
I saw her eyes shoot up at me and they were a mixture of hurt and slight anger.
BITCH DON’T YOU TRY IT!
“I had to look out for me…This happened to me…He made his choice that night…What happened before that had nothin to do with what he chose to do. I worry about him constantly and I don’t think its fair that he is made out to be a monster…but I got my own life…My own pain…My own loss….I get shitted on too…Fuck that.” She said as her face grew cold.
“Well maybe if you would have got help too…You wouldn’t feel as guilty as you do…Instead you chose to run him over…That was your choice.” I said standin up. “And until you admit to yourself that you had a fault in the whole situation too…Your goin to remain unhappy for along time…Yes he was dead wrong but you were dead wrong too.”
“Your still in love with him…” She said almost above a whisper and lookin down.
“Why do you say that?” I said thrown off.
“Because I see it…I see your love for him…It’s even stronger than it used to be…You still want to protect him from the…World.” She said pushin her red hair out of her now teary eyes.
“That’s what TRUE love does…Your will be willin to risk your own life and gain…to make sure the one you love is not harmed.” I said makin my point.
“You know I still love him so much…I just…We can’t so I have to bury that.” She said as her voice began to shake.
“If you really loved him…You wouldn’t have kicked him while he was down.” I said walkin to the door. “You gonna have to admit the the truth one day…When you do that you’ll find peace.”
I said to her and walkin out the room. I felt like I made my points and I got my answers…Even though I still was irked ….I was at peace. The big redhead monster was no longer goin to be a factor in my life….Now let’s get this money.
NOW WHERE IS KEVIN?
When we finally finished up recordin the songs…S&M, Fading and What’s My Name…Without Drake. Two weeks had gone by and it was now the middle of September. Me and Rob had actually come to a cool place and it was actually SURREAL AS FUCK to be talkin to her on the phone, havin drinks and just chillin. I admit it was super hard for me to have a conversation with Chris and have to censor myself…because well I wasn’t tryin to stir up anything that would create and issue. He seemed happy for me tho…Just told me he missed me A LOT! He told me that he had met someone a while ago and they had startin talkin again. I know what your thinkin…HERE WE GO…SOME NEW CHICK!! I know but we had an understandin…After that night we shared it was like we were in different space with each other. I accepted that he was gonna continue datin and so was I…We knew that the best thing for us right now was to continue repairin the trust that had been lost between us…And at the end of the day we just wanted to see each other happy. So yea…I was ok with him datin some one new. Plus he had told me so much about her I couldn’t wait to meet this Ms. Kae! She seemed so cool.
By November we hard at work finishin up Chris’s third mixtape that he decided to name it IN MY ZONE 2. By the middle of November we had been spendin more time in VA together so he could finish up the rest of his community service and classes. So we mostly used his studio for the rest of the project. Then one night he said he wanted me to meet somebody…
“Aye I got somebody I want you to meet.” He said nervously as he came to my room at his house.
“Who?” I said confused and typin on my Mac.
“Just come with me I need to see what you think.” He said scratchin the side of his head.
“Chris…I aint got time for one of your jokes I got paperwork to finish…You know I’m tryin to sell these properties!” I said wrinkling my nose.
“Man…Just come it will only take a minute…I need your opinion.” He said sincerely.
“Ch….Dammit negro…She betta be a bad bitch or Imma punch you in your balls!” I said gettin out the bed.
“HA! You always threaten to punch me in the balls…You just mean to them.” He said laughin as I followed him to his room.
“Shit betta hope next time I don’t bite em!” I said pushin him.
“Mmm that might can be arranged just not too hard you know…they sensitive.” He grabbin me from behind kissin my neck and walkin me to the door then stoppin.
“Whatever…What you doin?” I said as he stood in front of me.
“Hol’up…I’ll be right back.” He said makin a goofy face and then goin in the room and closin the door.
“What?” I said to myself out loud as I stood there.
WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOIN?
After 5 minutes he opened the door slowly.
“Ok…You ready?” He said smilin.
“Just move.” I said pushin the door open.
When I walked in his Mac was sittin on the bed so I walked over. He slowly followed me and when I climbed up to get a better view…MY HEART STOPPED! I immediately covered my mouth and so did SHE!
“Rue Rue?” I finally said behind my hand.
“Honey?” She said almost at the same time as me.
I immediately looked up at him who was now standin by the bed lookin at me with the most confused face I had every seen. I looked back at her and she was now lookin like a deer caught in the headlights.
“Wait ya’ll know each other?” He finally said climbin into the bed next to me.
We both looked at each other and started laughin! Chris had no idea that I had known Karrueche since elementary. I was a year older than her but I of course hung with Seiko… and Karrueche was apart of her crew! WHAT A SMALL WORLD! And it had just got smaller cause…
“Um yea…That’s my girlfriend.” Rueche said laughin.
“What?” Chris said even more confused as we both laughed.
“Oh my God…Is this the Kae you been talkin about?” I finally asked him.
“Yea…What the fuck is goin on right now Sweets?” He said sittin back and blushin.
Me and Rueche laughed harder as he sat there confused and uncomfortable. I knew I had to tell him the truth.
“Sweets?….You call her Sweets?” Rueche said into the camera. “Where’d he go?”
“I’m right here….What the fuck…Yea!” He said runnin his hands down his face.
“Oh my God…And he been callin you Kae all this time…He never said Karrueche!” I said pokin him in his side to try and lighten his mood.
“He been talkin bout his Bestfriend Sweets and I only know you as Honey or Helena like what are the chances!”
“Bestfriend Huh?” I said lookin over at him.
“Hey…it’s the truth.” He said shruggin his shoulders as I could see his mind turnin.
“Well I hope he didn’t say I was a crazy!” I said bumpin him as he still was uncomfortable.
“Nooo…He said you guys were bestfriends and had a long history and that he loved you very very much…I actually thought he as lyin!” She said laughin. “ I thought you were a girlfriend.”
“You thought I was lyin?” He said sittin up.
“I mean come on you know that would be hard for anybody to believe…Everybody knows who“Chris Brown’s friends” are!” I interjected.
“EXACTLY!” Rueche said laughin again.
“Oh my god this is wild…But wait hol’up you said she was your girlfriend? Ya’ll fucked around?” He said bluntly and looked back and forth at us.
“You wanna tell’em?” She asked raising her eyebrow.
“Uh yeah….See remember when I told you bout me and Seiko aloooong time ago.” I started.
“She was the first girl I was ever with….SHE POPPED A NIGGA’S CHERRY!” Rueche blurted out laughin even harder.
Chris’s mouth dropped. I never told him who the other girl was that me and Seiko had that threesome with and well to me it wasn’t important at the time!
But there’s more…
“Yea and remember the girl I told you I was seein a few months back and we broke up and I told you I loved her?” I asked him as he tried to take it all in.
“Noooo.” He said coverin his mouth.
“Awww” Rueche said into the camera. “I love you too.”
Yea shit happens…
“Oh my fuckin God…Sweets how in the hell does this shit keep happenin?” He said lookin over at me with his hand still over his mouth.
YOU TELL ME!
“We got good taste I guess!” I said laughin.
Truthfully it didn’t bother me this time cause it was totally a coincidence unlike DRAYA AND DEANNA….He couldn’t have known. Plus he said he hadn’t done anythin with her so there was nothin I could be mad about…SHIT HAPPENS!
“So wait…You guys ever?” Rueche finally asked.
“He is the B. I told you about.” I confessed to her finally.
I watched her as she sat up on her bed in shock. I knew she knew then what and who he was to me. I had told her all about Our past…Our love…Cheyanne…Me workin with him for years…Our deep connection…I just never told her his real name. She knew Chris was the one who had my HEART and I HAD HIS.
“Oh my god.” She said quietly and covered her mouth.
I could tell I had delivered some obvious GAME CHANGIN news…Because they both sat there almost lost in there thoughts. Now I wanted to know what the hell was goin on!
I MEAN YA’LL NOT FUCKIN…RIGHT?
“Why ya’ll quiet…What ya’ll fucked already or somethin?” I said now lookin back and forth between them and laughin nervously.
“Aye look I’mma let ya’ll talk…I gotta…I gotta go.” She said nervously.
“Wait…Why you gotta go…Chris what’s up?” I asked him just then she disconnected the Skype.
“Shiiiiit!” Chris finally said and got up out the bed.
I was confused now.
“What the hell is up? I thought you said you hadn’t done anythin with her and you were just gettin to know her?” I fired at him.
I saw him run his hands over his face again. And then look at me and put his head down.
“Chris…What the hell?” I finally said gettin out the bed.
“Man I WAS gettin to know her….But we…have got it in quite a few times…How was I supposed to know that she was the one you told me about!” He said frustrated.
“But we been fuckin around since August!” I fired.
“I Know…But.” He stopped.
“You said we were gonna be straight up with each other! That’s the only reason I wasn’t trippin about you talkin to her.” I said pushin past him and walkin down the hallway as he followed.
“All this shit is crazy ok! I didn’t know…” I he pleaded.
“But you didn’t say you were fuckin her either!” I said goin in my room and closin my Mac. “You just always gotta have your cake and eat it too!”
TIRED OF THIS!
It wasn’t so much as the fact that it was Karrueche…Although that did irk me now cause I did have feelins for her…But it was the fact that we were supposed to be bein honest about everythin…Yes we were seein other people but WE WERE SUPPOSED TO TELL EACH OTHER BEFORE WE SLEPT WITH ANYBODY ELSE! So we didn’t complicate things by continin to sleep each other! I know…I know…It was just a mess…I knew I shouldn’t have agreed…But it was workin out fine til NOW!
“Sweets what are you doin?” He said as I grabbed my suitcase out the closet.
“Chris look…We said we would end it when we slept with someone else…So this is it…It was cool while it lasted…And Rueche…She is a cool chick…You have my blessin…and Im out!” I said suddenly havin a queasy feelin in my stomach.
“But Sweets wait…It aint even serious with me and her yet…I told you I’m still gettin to know her!” He tried to explain.
I THINK YOU KNOW HER DAMN WELL NOW!
“Well you can finish…I’m not even mad I just am honerin what we agreed on…No complications remember!” I said grabbin my backpack, keys and rollin my suitcase past him out the door.
“So you just gonna leave me?” He asked as I got to the hallway.
“Im not leavin you…We just cant-“ I stopped cause I suddenly felt like everythin I had ate was about to come up.
“You ok?” He asked concerned.
I took a minute and tried to calm the feelin down…I knew all of this was stressin me the fuck out! After the feelin past. I turned and kept walkin down the stairs.
“Sweets…It ain’t gotta be like this…” He said still followin after me as I got to my Benz.
I opened my door and threw my stuff inside…I took one long look at him and saw the fear in his eyes. He knew this was my last try…We tried it…It was fun…But it was now over.
Time to see what life had for me…